I Cannot Scream

CN: self hate, bullying, maybe abuse

Audio version: 20-01-23-ICannotScream.mp3

I cannot scream

I never screamed
with my voice
for myself.

When they locked me into a wardrobe
I silently cried.

I silently cried
when they ripped out my personality
played with it as if it was worthless
And made me hate it.

Sometimes I scream
but I hate it
it feels like their game
maybe they won
it never relieves
it never heals.

Sometimes I scream
for people who can't scream for themselves
and although they are grateful
it still feels like stealing their voice
(not like my own)
it hurts my ears and my throat
and my soul
it is defense, prevents damage
but never unburdens.

People tell me to scream
but I can't.

They say it was healthy
would make my unhealed wounds fade
but I can't.

What helps is to tell
not with my voice, not with just words
I write poems
I breathe music
I go public
which feels a bit strange and wrong
but it works as if I was screaming, so maybe it's not.

It relieves.
Silently, but heard.